{"source_url": "https://www.newyorker.com", "url": "https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/totally-legitimate-reasons-that-i-cant-go-for-a-run", "title": "Totally Legitimate Reasons That I Can\u2019t Go for a Run", "top_image": "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/16:9/w_1200,h_630,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg", "meta_img": "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/16:9/w_1200,h_630,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg", "images": ["https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/master/w_727,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg", "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5df7fc4c70e4650008e3887c/4:3/w_620,c_limit/Elson-OutSickEmail.jpg", "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd5e85c14f9e0008444725/4:3/w_620,c_limit/200106_r35668.jpg", "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5e0aec058898100008bea10a/4:3/w_620,c_limit/Brody-LittleWomen.jpg", "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5d54758e0df9500008a25a2a/4:3/w_620,c_limit/Elson-Oats.jpg", "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/16:9/w_1200,h_630,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg"], "movies": [], "text": "It\u2019s too early in the morning. I would go for a run, but I also believe that I need sleep and deserve to keep lying in bed, indefinitely.\n\nIt\u2019s too late at night. I could go for a run, but I worked hard today, so never mind.\n\nI recently read that you should eat breakfast before you work out. Your body needs fuel. I really want to go for a run, but the thing is my run will actually be better if I eat a full English breakfast beforehand.\n\nWow, I just finished an incredible plate of eggs and beans. The time is right for a run, but running with a full stomach can lead to indigestion, so I\u2019ll need to wait several weeks.\n\nMy phone says that it might rain in ten hours.\n\nIt\u2019s windy.\n\nIt\u2019s so cold, and I own a really soft fleece blanket. According to research from a team of Danish scientists, I should curl up under it instead of going for a run.\n\nIt\u2019s so hot. A study by Swedish scientists concluded that running when it\u2019s hot is bad. Yes, bad no matter what, even if you wear a hat or have one of those belts with tiny water bottles attached to it. I believe the study also said that those belts are confusing and make you look like a water officer.\n\nI\u2019m supposed to meet a friend in six hours. If I go for a run, I might enjoy it so much that I end up running for the full six hours. I\u2019m a good friend and I don\u2019t want to be late, so even though I would love to go for a run I will not.\n\nI already took a shower today. If I go for a run, I will have to shower a second time, and that would use too much water. I care about the environment, so I will abstain from running.\n\nI have no clean running clothes.\n\nI have too many cute running outfits and I can\u2019t choose which one to put on. Instead, I will continue to wear my nightgown.\n\nI think I hear a parade outside. The people may need my running path, so I will cede it to them.\n\nI think I hear a high-school track team outside. I will be generous and allow these worthy youths the use of the entire running path, even after they have left it.\n\nI think I hear something crushing metal outside? Like, some kind of construction-related grinding?\n\nPossible floods.\n\nI might be getting sick. I\u2019m not sick yet, but I\u2019m getting that feeling in the back of my nose, where it transitions to the ring-a-ding section, also known as the uvula. Instead of running, I should really get into bed and let my immune system do its good, preventative work. I\u2019m sorry, but that\u2019s what I read in my self-published anti-running zine, \u201cSimply Stay in Bed, Plus.\u201d\n\nThere will be people with big dogs. I don\u2019t have a problem with big dogs, but I like little dogs better and people usually take their little dogs for walks later in the day. At least, that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been noticing in my neighborhood. One of them even wears a denim jacket!\n\nThe little dogs used to come out at around five, but lately it\u2019s been more like six, so I\u2019m going to check my e-mail.\n\nActually, sometimes it\u2019s more like seven.\n\nYikes, that was so much e-mail. Unfortunately, now it\u2019s dark out, and running in the dark, as we all know, isn\u2019t safe. Maybe I should go to the gym.\n\nOops, I forgot that the gym exposes me to germs and a spirited exercise community. For my health and emotional well-being, I regret that I cannot enter the gym.\n\nIt\u2019s time to watch \u201cGeneral Hospital\u201d on Hulu.", "keywords": [], "meta_keywords": ["humor", "satire", "running", "resolutions"], "tags": ["Running", "Resolutions", "Humor", "Satire", "Photography"], "authors": ["Kerry Elson", "Sheelah Kolhatkar", "Richard Brody", "Helen Rosner", "Geoff Manaugh", "Katy Waldman"], "publish_date": null, "summary": "", "article_html": "", "meta_description": "Kerry Elson writes a humorous list of excuses for why she can\u2019t go for a run right now.", "meta_lang": "en", "meta_favicon": "/favicon.ico", "meta_data": {"msapplication-tap-highlight": "no", "viewport": "user-scalable=no,width=device-width,initial-scale=1,maximum-scale=1", "id": "5dfa9162c14f9e000844440f", "parsely-metadata": "{\"id\":\"5dfa9162c14f9e000844440f\",\"issueDate\":\"\",\"dek\":\"I think I hear a parade outside. The people may need my running path, so I will cede it to them.\",\"section\":\"Daily Shouts\",\"url\":\"https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/totally-legitimate-reasons-that-i-cant-go-for-a-run\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"contentUrl\":\"https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/totally-legitimate-reasons-that-i-cant-go-for-a-run\",\"url\":\"https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/4:3/w_960,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg\"}}", "copyright": "Copyright (c) Cond\u00e9 Nast 2019", "description": "Kerry Elson writes a humorous list of excuses for why she can\u2019t go for a run right now.", "keywords": "humor,satire,running,resolutions", "apple-itunes-app": "app-id=1081530898", "fb": {"app_id": 1147169538698836}, "news_keywords": "Humor, Daily Shouts, humor, satire, running, resolutions", "og": {"locale": "en_US", "site_name": "The New Yorker", "image": "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/16:9/w_1200,h_630,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg", "title": "Totally Legitimate Reasons That I Can\u2019t Go for a Run", "description": "I think I hear a parade outside. The people may need my running path, so I will cede it to them.", "url": "https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/totally-legitimate-reasons-that-i-cant-go-for-a-run", "type": "article"}, "article": {"content_tier": "metered", "opinion": "false"}, "twitter": {"site": "@NewYorker", "domain": "www.newyorker.com", "card": "summary_large_image", "title": "Totally Legitimate Reasons That I Can\u2019t Go for a Run", "description": "I think I hear a parade outside. The people may need my running path, so I will cede it to them.", "image": {"src": "https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5dfd4fac2a998100080d1483/16:9/w_1200,h_630,c_limit/Elson-Run.jpg?mbid=social_retweet"}}, "pubdate": 20200101}, "canonical_link": "https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/totally-legitimate-reasons-that-i-cant-go-for-a-run"}